i definitely wont tell anyone it's okay. i suck at keeping MY secrets but i'd never spill yours.
it's not like i want people knowin that stuff about me either so i get it. trust me. boy do i get it.
(Even though Eddie was open about having feelings for someone that was mostly because he had literally almost died from keeping those feelings so tightly-closed. He still had the scars next to his eye that reminded him daily that Deerington might spin another monstrous event that'll force him into a violent truth.
Crushes were complicated enough as is. Throw in spooky violent shit and it just got worse.)
me too. i tried hard for a while not to but then just wound up hating myself a lot more than usual. it was really tiring.
fuck . yeah. thats... wow okay yeah thats actually the scariest fucking part of crushes. what the entire world expects of you after. what they're gonna think, what they're gonna do. how is everyone gonna look at you, how's he gonna look at you. if anythings gonna change.
yeah. i (His fingers hover for a second. It's not something Eddie liked to think about. It gave him nightmares to this day perhaps worse than anything else he's experienced- even the stuff in Deerington. It's not something he's told many people at all. Chloe.
Just Chloe, he thinks. It makes his stomach curdle with shame every time he thinks about it and the only reason he winds up texting what he does next is because this is Bev. Of all the Losers? She'd get him.
She wouldn't...
She wouldn't think he deserved it or was hoping for it just because he was...different. She wouldn't be that person to think "oh well that's just how all faggots are. You're always wanting to suck each other off - aren't you happy a guy even offered?"
He'd heard about how when gay boys went missing in Derry how people would laugh a little, suggest that they probably just got it good at Bassey Park. Who would miss a queer? Probably got taken by another sicko, after all. Eddie forgets that he hadn't typed out his response and has to shake himself out of his thoughts. He realizes then that he wants to tell Bev. He wants her to know that yeah, he gets it.)
I understand what you mean. an older guy offers you something that everyone else tells you you should be lucky to have or want or that you should feel ashamed about and then it suddenly makes everything so fucking complicated because you know that you didn't want that at all. but then suddenly you dont know how to think about the stuff you do want and are you a bad person for wanting that stuff? was everyone just right about you after all?
it's. hard to split that up
i get it. i wish i didnt but i do.
i get that too. it's shame. it's all i ever feel sometimes is shame. shame about how i think or how i feel and like i should feel guilty about it every step of the way.
you're right. I know you are cause this whole conversation has me thinking about how i cant tell other people some of this stuff. how they wouldnt get it but you get it. you fucking understand better than anyone else. everyones so convinced love can only ever be a good thing. they dont know it like we do.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
[It's not something Beverly expected to hear from Eddie. Hell, it's not something she ever expected to hear from anyone else, ever. It's the type of thing that has always made her feel set apart from everyone at school or anywhere. It's the type of thing people don't talk about, normalized like the bruises she wears every day.
But he says it, Eddie says it and it feels like someone's finally explaining something she's thought only she understood her whole life. She doesn't realize how hard she's gritting her teeth as she types back, not until her jaw starts to hurt.]
You're right. That's exactly right it's like you can't split it apart from that and Because you say it's okay from one person then what stops people from thinking it's okay from them too??? It's different when it's just rumors and bullshit It's different when someone has "proof" even if you would wanna punch anyone who said that was proof you wanted everything else
I feel the same way Eddie that's it exactly. It's that and I tihink. I think there's a part of me thatsometimes forgets how love can be anything other than something that hurts you. Even if I don't know if I'm "in love" with anyone like that but
I think maybe I say I love you guys so much cause I'm trying to remind myself that it can be okay to feel like that and it doesn't mean we have to hurt each other
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
Thank you. I hate keeping secrets but some secrets are necessary to keep for a while or at least til we can figure them out.
(That's how he rationalized it in his own head anyway. He hated the idea of lying to any of his friends, but avoiding talking about the truth wasn't quite the same thing. It was the distant cousin to lying or something.
He doesn't realize how badly he's wanted to talk to someone about all of this before, how badly he ached to just be understood when it came to all of those most shameful things he's ever felt. His face is a little wet, but he doesn't bother wiping back his tears. It felt cathartic.)
Exactly. and it's scary because you wanting something from one person makes people think you want EVERYTHING or all the wrong things or that you want things you don't even understand but people assume you do god people's definition of "proof" is always fucked up. they'll use ANYTHING against you too. it's "proof" you wanted something from someone because of the clothes you were wearing or how you smiled
(Shit. Eddie's never even thought about it but it was true, it was so true. Bowers and those fuckers always used how he dressed as "proof" for what he was really like. But the worst part...)
the worst part is when their "proof" is technically right and you feel fucking horrible about it because were they right about you being disgusting??? about you being some certain way??? even though you know that you're not...the exact way they think you are. that they assume all the wrong stuff but there's still still that VEIN of truth and it eats you alive.
no one teaches you how to separate that.
God. Yeah. I always think "I have no idea how to be loved" by family or by someone in a romantic way. and just because IM in love doesn't mean I can even wrap my mind around what it would be like if maybe fuck it's funny i cant even type it out? i cant even let myself type it out because im so scared of the idea of being loved ..but the person i love is the only person i would ever trust TO love me in that way. i just it's so fucking complicated for so many reasons. & people always want to tell you stuff like oh romance is simple just tell people how you feel!! just talk about it! but those are the people who just dont get it. romance is scary, and i dont blame you for being as confused and uncertain as you are. i know i sound like i know my shit, but truthfully i just know how I FEEL but beyond that i dont know anything worth knowing.
I think that makes plenty of sense Bev. I say it too for those kinds of reasons. Let myself remember that theres at least six people i know in this universe that love me selflessly and love me without hurting me or wanting to hurt me. six people. that's amazing. i love you all so much and sometimes it's scary. but i dont think id ever change that. i think it's worth saying that we love each other all of the time. i think we all i think we all deserve to hear it and let ourselves be loved by each other. i think we all need that in our own ways. we're all so good at feeling hated by everyone in derry. i try to tell you guys i love you all the time too. well ok i dont like to tell richie as much but thats different
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
Yeah. At least we can tell each other and help figure any of it out
Yeah. That's Yeah. When I cut my hair I was really really mad and I wanted to do just about anything to get people to stop looking at me like that or I just get so mad sometimes but it didn't change anything
It didn't change shit it was all the SAME. Either I'm being too girly or too boyish either way I think people can just tell I'm wrong Like it's easy for them to look at me and touch my hair cause they can see it right away? I could tear all my skin off and it STILL wouldn't change anything probably
I'm glad you have someone like that though Eddie you deserve taht. Someone to love you that you can love like that too even if it's scary. I think the thing that scares me the most about it is that I don't tihnk I can ever trust anyone not to change even if it's okay now? Because sometimes people just become something and you don't expect it and by then it's too late
And at the same time I hate myself for doubting either of them and just deciding that for them.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
that works just fine. if theres anything youre ever lost on or just want to talk about im literally right down the hall or a call away.
god. people always want to tell people like us that we're not doing things the exactly right way. im always too girly or too small or too fragile or too weak. and it is like that. it's like you could blow up your body or switch places with someone else and all they'd ever see is the same old you and whatever they think is so rotten about you.
for the record i think your hair is perfect. it's not girly or boyish. it's just you. it's beverly. & that's precisely what it should be and that's that's really good beverly. i think it's even better you did it to defy those fuckers who wanna boss around your image.
You deserve it too Beverly. You really do.
I dont really blame you?? the thing is like. im a weird case and i KNOW i am. ive had the same feelings that have only gotten more and more intense since i was like SEVEN so i have the luck of loving someone and KNOWING that they wont change. at least not in the way thats going to hurt me. i have stupid faith in him because it's all ive ever known.
but i realize thats not something a lot of people can say and honestly if our places were swapped, you nnd me, i think i'd feel exactly how you do i wouldnt KNOW how to trust anyone enough ofr that. i dont KNOW if id be capable of it. thats why our memories vanishing scares me so much cause i forget all about that. all about those feelings and whats good for me and i forget about all of you. we all forget each other. we forget what it's like to really love someone and trust someone. so i dont get it from personal experience i dont think. but i get it from that at least.
it's okay bev to doubt people. even if they are your friends. i mean. you dont know either of them SUPER well so youre just being safe. and as long as you're not trying to control their thooughts or opinions i dont think your necessarily deciding anything for them. sometimes we cant help how we think about other people
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw mentions of sexual harassment....... and now homophobia
it's not like i want people knowin that stuff about me either so i get it. trust me. boy do i get it.
(Even though Eddie was open about having feelings for someone that was mostly because he had literally almost died from keeping those feelings so tightly-closed. He still had the scars next to his eye that reminded him daily that Deerington might spin another monstrous event that'll force him into a violent truth.
Crushes were complicated enough as is. Throw in spooky violent shit and it just got worse.)
me too. i tried hard for a while not to but then just wound up hating myself a lot more than usual. it was really tiring.
fuck . yeah. thats...
wow okay yeah thats actually the scariest fucking part of crushes. what the entire world expects of you after. what they're gonna think, what they're gonna do. how is everyone gonna look at you, how's he gonna look at you. if anythings gonna change.
yeah. i (His fingers hover for a second. It's not something Eddie liked to think about. It gave him nightmares to this day perhaps worse than anything else he's experienced- even the stuff in Deerington. It's not something he's told many people at all. Chloe.
Just Chloe, he thinks. It makes his stomach curdle with shame every time he thinks about it and the only reason he winds up texting what he does next is because this is Bev. Of all the Losers? She'd get him.
She wouldn't...
She wouldn't think he deserved it or was hoping for it just because he was...different. She wouldn't be that person to think "oh well that's just how all faggots are. You're always wanting to suck each other off - aren't you happy a guy even offered?"
He'd heard about how when gay boys went missing in Derry how people would laugh a little, suggest that they probably just got it good at Bassey Park. Who would miss a queer? Probably got taken by another sicko, after all. Eddie forgets that he hadn't typed out his response and has to shake himself out of his thoughts. He realizes then that he wants to tell Bev. He wants her to know that yeah, he gets it.)
I understand what you mean. an older guy offers you something that everyone else tells you you should be lucky to have or want or that you should feel ashamed about and then it suddenly makes everything so fucking complicated because you know that you didn't want that at all.
but then suddenly you dont know how to think about the stuff you do want
and are you a bad person for wanting that stuff? was everyone just right about you after all?
it's.
hard to split that up
i get it. i wish i didnt but i do.
i get that too. it's shame. it's all i ever feel sometimes is shame. shame about how i think or how i feel and like i should feel guilty about it every step of the way.
you're right. I know you are cause this whole conversation has me thinking about how i cant tell other people some of this stuff. how they wouldnt get it
but you get it. you fucking understand better than anyone else.
everyones so convinced love can only ever be a good thing. they dont know it like we do.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
[It's not something Beverly expected to hear from Eddie. Hell, it's not something she ever expected to hear from anyone else, ever. It's the type of thing that has always made her feel set apart from everyone at school or anywhere. It's the type of thing people don't talk about, normalized like the bruises she wears every day.
But he says it, Eddie says it and it feels like someone's finally explaining something she's thought only she understood her whole life. She doesn't realize how hard she's gritting her teeth as she types back, not until her jaw starts to hurt.]
You're right. That's exactly right it's like you can't split it apart from that and
Because you say it's okay from one person then what stops people from thinking it's okay from them too??? It's different when it's just rumors and bullshit
It's different when someone has "proof" even if you would wanna punch anyone who said that was proof you wanted everything else
I feel the same way Eddie that's it exactly. It's that and I tihink.
I think there's a part of me thatsometimes forgets how love can be anything other than something that hurts you.
Even if I don't know if I'm "in love" with anyone like that but
I think maybe I say I love you guys so much cause I'm trying to remind myself that it can be okay to feel like that and it doesn't mean we have to hurt each other
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
(That's how he rationalized it in his own head anyway. He hated the idea of lying to any of his friends, but avoiding talking about the truth wasn't quite the same thing. It was the distant cousin to lying or something.
He doesn't realize how badly he's wanted to talk to someone about all of this before, how badly he ached to just be understood when it came to all of those most shameful things he's ever felt. His face is a little wet, but he doesn't bother wiping back his tears. It felt cathartic.)
Exactly. and it's scary because you wanting something from one person makes people think you want EVERYTHING or all the wrong things or that you want things you don't even understand but people assume you do
god
people's definition of "proof" is always fucked up. they'll use ANYTHING against you too. it's "proof" you wanted something from someone because of the clothes you were wearing or how you smiled
(Shit. Eddie's never even thought about it but it was true, it was so true. Bowers and those fuckers always used how he dressed as "proof" for what he was really like. But the worst part...)
the worst part is when their "proof" is technically right and you feel fucking horrible about it
because were they right about you being disgusting??? about you being some certain way???
even though you know that you're not...the exact way they think you are. that they assume all the wrong stuff but there's still
still that VEIN of truth
and it eats you alive.
no one teaches you how to separate that.
God. Yeah. I always think "I have no idea how to be loved" by family or by someone in a romantic way. and just because IM in love doesn't mean I can even wrap my mind around what it would be like if maybe
fuck
it's funny
i cant even type it out? i cant even let myself type it out because im so scared of the idea of being loved ..but the person i love is the only person i would ever trust TO love me in that way.
i just
it's so fucking complicated for so many reasons. & people always want to tell you stuff like oh romance is simple just tell people how you feel!! just talk about it! but those are the people who just dont get it. romance is scary, and i dont blame you for being as confused and uncertain as you are. i know i sound like i know my shit, but truthfully i just know how I FEEL but beyond that i dont know anything worth knowing.
I think that makes plenty of sense Bev. I say it too for those kinds of reasons. Let myself remember that theres at least six people i know in this universe that love me selflessly and love me without hurting me or wanting to hurt me. six people. that's amazing. i love you all so much and sometimes it's scary. but i dont think id ever change that. i think it's worth saying that we love each other all of the time. i think we all
i think we all deserve to hear it and let ourselves be loved by each other. i think we all need that in our own ways.
we're all so good at feeling hated by everyone in derry. i try to tell you guys i love you all the time too.
well
ok i dont like to tell richie as much but thats different
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
At least we can tell each other and help figure any of it out
Yeah. That's
Yeah. When I cut my hair I was really really mad and I wanted to do just about anything to get people to stop looking at me like that or
I just get so mad sometimes but it didn't change anything
It didn't change shit it was all the SAME. Either I'm being too girly or too boyish either way I think people can just tell I'm wrong
Like it's easy for them to look at me and touch my hair cause they can see it right away?
I could tear all my skin off and it STILL wouldn't change anything probably
I'm glad you have someone like that though Eddie you deserve taht. Someone to love you that you can love like that too even if it's scary.
I think the thing that scares me the most about it is that I don't tihnk I can ever trust anyone not to change even if it's okay now? Because sometimes people just become something and you don't expect it and by then it's too late
And at the same time I hate myself for doubting either of them and just deciding that for them.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
god. people always want to tell people like us that we're not doing things the exactly right way. im always too girly or too small or too fragile or too weak. and it is like that. it's like you could blow up your body or switch places with someone else and all they'd ever see is the same old you and whatever they think is so rotten about you.
for the record i think your hair is perfect. it's not girly or boyish. it's just you. it's beverly. & that's precisely what it should be and that's
that's really good beverly.
i think it's even better you did it to defy those fuckers who wanna boss around your image.
You deserve it too Beverly. You really do.
I dont really blame you?? the thing is like.
im a weird case and i KNOW i am. ive had the same feelings that have only gotten more and more intense since i was like SEVEN so i have the luck of loving someone and KNOWING that they wont change. at least not in the way thats going to hurt me. i have stupid faith in him because it's all ive ever known.
but i realize thats not something a lot of people can say and honestly if our places were swapped, you nnd me, i think i'd feel exactly how you do
i wouldnt KNOW how to trust anyone enough ofr that. i dont KNOW if id be capable of it. thats why our memories vanishing scares me so much
cause i forget all about that. all about those feelings and whats good for me and i forget about all of you.
we all forget each other.
we forget what it's like to really love someone and trust someone. so i dont get it from personal experience i dont think. but i get it from that at least.
it's okay bev to doubt people. even if they are your friends. i mean. you dont know either of them SUPER well so youre just being safe. and as long as you're not trying to control their thooughts or opinions i dont think your necessarily deciding anything for them.
sometimes we cant help how we think about other people