im only sorry you have to mutually experience it sometiems
ugh dont remind me. that practically makes it WORSE.
(That moment when Eddie doesn't even realize he's being quite so blunt. Problem here is that he felt very safe with Bev and a bit like she understood him- and it didn't really help that his memories sometimes blurred. He'd told Bev before- and so some part of him forgets that this wasn't quite that Bev.
[Some small part of Bev catches that slip up. Most of her wants to move on and ignore it, especially since she figures she might just be misinterpreting it.
But after a second of trying to justify a different meaning, it's pretty clear there isn't one. Not one that makes sense.
But saying anything about it outright? That feels, to a girl born and raised in Derry, like a terrible insult.]
Richie got pretty upset about all that too. Is he okay?
(With Eddie, of all the Losers, it was perhaps the smartest approach. He was never very any good with any sort of blunt confrontation about things he wasn't entirely comfortable with.
But it was pretty amazing how much someone could get out of him just by virtue of using the right words. It was the inherently naive part of him that wound up making him vulnerable to that kind of thing. Something his momma had always taken advantage of.
But not everyone did. There were ways of using it for the better of a situation.
Eddie thinks nothing of when Richie is brought up. Doesn't coil up in defense. Just kind of sighs.)
i think so. i wasnt expecting of all people for HIM to get upset. and then i think THAT upset him but we talked about it. i still dont honestly know why he was so bothered but i guess sometimes you dont need to know WHY someone was hurt just to know that they ARE hurt.
still kind of feel like an asshole about it though. he seems better at least.
i dont know. it feels a little like my fault. i mean i dont THINK i was an asshole about the marriage stuff but he also never gets upset like that so maybe i was?
i dont either. it's not like marriage could do anything for him.
i guess he likes the idea of the like. commitment. i tried telling him you can still have that without marriage shit
A lot of people get stupid about marriage. I think more people think it's about love than it really is. If he was thinking about it that way then I could see why he'd be mad.
If it were really about love and commitment though all 7 of us would be married.
yeah i think so too. a lot of people seemed to think that because i didnt believe in marriage i didnt believe in love lol someone said "you just have to find the right person and you'll change your mind" like what
i mean we practically are lets be honest.
but im pretty sure most people associate marriage with like you know
romantic love. and that kind of romantic commitment. being committed to your friends is natural and easy and we dont need some sort of testimony for that but i guess romance is different people want to be able to i guess represent their romantic commitment or whatever but i still think that can be done without marraige.
[There's a very long pause between messages before Beverly finally responds.]
I guess it's hard for me to even imagine being committed to someone like that.
I don't even get how it's supposed to be different. I kinda do but not really. Like you do different things when you're in love with a boy or he's in love with you but what decides it's so different?
People say girls and boys can't be friends all the time but I'm friends with all of you.
(At first Eddie's hesitant to respond himself, but of all people in the world who deserved to maybe be able to better understand what being in real love felt like? It was Beverly. So Eddie takes a soft breath and tries his very best.
Because he would try for Beverly. For a Loser.)
Your heart decides it's different. sorry I know that's really cheesy and Im not trying to say oh you know when you know! like im not gonna be able to tell you what it's like when you fall in love because i honestly dont remember that part. it's just always been how it is.
you categorize them differently in your head. like i mean whenever you go to describe your friends and you get to them your brain comes up short because the word "friend" doesn't really work out how you want it to you feel like you're underselling what you're describing and you don't want people to misintrepret how much you care and i wont lie love is different for everyone so i wont sit here and tell you you should look at what im saying as an exact word-for-word ideal as to how YOU might feel love but i am saying that it might help you understand
you dont stop being someones friend because youre in love with them and thats where it's easy to get lost because in your head they're always the friend first but then the person you love and then you get to the realization that like that's the whole package. you can be in love with all those things at once. be in love with them being your friend and then be in love with them being something more and then just being in love with THEM and everything they do and it's easy
it's actually realy easy to feel that commitment when you do. like i dont know. it's a selfless feeling. like with friends oyu're always gonna want to be friends FOREVER but with the person you love as long as they're in your life it's enough it's almost? somehow more selfless because you wind up not caring so much about BEING with them i mean you do but it wont kill you if youre not if it still means they can be happy and you can see them being happy
and i guess. you always get stuck on how they make you feel. you get stuck on random memories with them and start thinking about how they look at you or how they touched your hand one time or how they always seem to want to make you laugh more than other people. stuff like that. and you realize you're not really so worried about OTHER people and how THEY look at you at least not in the same way.
and that doesnt necessarily mean you're in love- hyper focusing on shit like that but it can mean you're seeing some sort of shape thats similar to love. crushes i guess. i dont know shit about crushes tho lol
(...........Despite what Eddie just said. He also doesn't really consider his feeling as a "crush" though. That word felt...underwhelming somehow.)
people are fucking idiots. that's because people think that girls and boys are always falling in love with each other or wanting to fuck when they dont realize that a lot of girls and boys just know how to love the parts of each other that have NOTHING to do with any of that stuff people get so good at convincing themselves of how relationships are supposed to work dont let people tell you you cant love us or make you feel ashamed for loving us because you can. and you dont need to be told it MUST mean theres some part of you that wants all of us or that we want you in that way
because thats rEaly fucked up it's also like super fucking invalidating to each of us and our own feelings
people hate platonic love because a lot of people dont HAVE it so they want to break the platonic love they DO see it's fucked
I guess I haven't felt anything like that. Not exactly Sometimes I think maybe I do and I don't really know if it's real or what
I didn't have anything like platonic love for a long time either. This is probably shitty but I mostly feel glad for everything that happened this summer. Or however many summers ago it was. Like if it brought us all together and changed some things I don't know. Sorry.
You're saying there's someone you feel that kind of love about though. Right?
it's okay if you havent you know. or if you've only felt it a little
i think that's pretty normal.
no it's not shitty either. i'm really glad everything happened this summer too. you're all the best friends ive ever made in my life. it's fucked but i wouldnt change any of it
dont apologize. not to me at least. i understand. trust me. my life got better for that summer too even if a lot of it was fucking awful.
I don't know if it was the same for you guys in the 50s but Richie doesn't even know either cause he doesn't remember how everything ended But I got kissed by two different boys and both times it was like I really liked it but I don't know it just made things more confusing. Not even just cause it was two different guys but whenever I think about it I feel like I can't tell anyone. Like it feels bad even if when it happened it didn't. I don't know if that makes sense. I feel gross you know? And that doesn't even have to do with the boys but just me.
I was kinda serious about us getting married though. I don't want to kiss you or anything like that but that makes it better probably.
(Eddie had never met a Bill from the 80s and Bev before hadn't told him about this. So he 1) definitely didn't know and 2) didn't even know which boys kissed her. He could make a wild stab in the dark given how fucking obvious Ben was, but did Ben really get the nerve up to kiss Bev? Jeez-louise didn't that just make Eddie an even bigger pussy? But he's assuming here.)
you dont gotta answer but did i know these two boys by any chance
no i actually understand completely. i always feel gross about my feelings too when it comes to that stuff. like i'm innately bad or something for having them. but i dont think you're gross i think maybe society just kind of wants you to feel gross about that kind of thing because if you really did like it then i dont know i think thats saying something right?
i wont lie i was kind of serious too. i dont think we wanna kiss each other at all and i think thats precisely why it'd be nice to be married to you. neither of us would have to be stuck feeling pressured by our spouse to be something we just really arent or to do things we dont want to do it's a pretty sweet deal in my eyes. neither of us would have to worry about weird feelings or being confused. i dont know. if boys and girls gotta get married i'd gladly rather be hitched to you
You know everyone who wouldn't be disgusted at the idea of kissing me Eddie
Actually I'm pretty sure you know everyone I know.
I guess. I don't care what everyone says though cause I know they'll say it no matter what I do Like they already were for forever so what does it matter now I'm not sure if it's that or if it's just like
I don't know. I guess I also sorta feel gross no matter what so it's not that different anyway so I guess I'm just being stupid
You're like the only boy I feel totally safe around I think
well. yeah. but you're pretty so technically speaking there's probably a lot of people who would want to kiss you?
but i think i can narrow it down yeah lol. i cant believe ben got the balls to kiss you i kind of am impressed i wont lie to you
(The Ben he knew shook and trembled if Bev so much looked his way. Eddie was oddly proud of the guy. Granted he didn't realize that it had taken the dead lights seizing Bev to get him in motion, but well.
Weirdly enough what she says makes him smile just a tiny bit. He knows they're not talking about something pleasant here, but he'd been so long without Losers that he forgot how...much Losers always just got it.)
you know what? that's exactly how i feel about it sometimes too. it's like at some point you might as well just start living for yourself thats what being a Loser is all about isnt it? we're always gonna be pissed on by people no matter what we do in some ways that sucks but i think in a lot of ways it gives us power too cant really fuck up if the world already sees you as a fuck up
you're not being stupid beverly. this shit is really confusing sometimes i mean. what exactly about it makes you feel gross??
Really? (No, actually, you know what? Eddie's not as surprised about that as he thought he would be. It reminds him of the conversation he'd had with Chloe and what she had said about why it was easier for girls to be around him.)
im glad you feel safe around me bev. you deserve to feel safe around at least one guy. i feel safe around you too. i know thats kind of weird for a guy to say about a girl but i mean it. i never feel like you're trying to make me feel small or force me into something thats not me. i dont feel choked by your love
Oh my god I wish you didn't just guess DON'T tell anyone. Seriously.
[It's not that she is ashamed of Ben in specific at all. She kind of likes him, she thinks, maybe even has a crush on him? Maybe???
But also. Everything else. What is a crush anyway.]
Yeah exactly. I guess I already sorta gave up a while ago.
I dunno though. I try not to think about it I think it's like. Okay I'm fine with the kiss (pretending it was just one boy now) and I kinda like him but What does he expect now, what does the whole world expect now And it gets hard to separate it from times when guys try to do stuff that i DON'T like or want? Even if it wasn't like that?
So it feels gross like that but also gross like when you remember something stupid or embarrassing you did once suddenly and you just hate yourself so much until you can get yourself to forget again
Maybe it's cause we both get each other that way. We both know what that's like I think. When love feels horrible and scary.
cw mentions of sexual harassment....... and now homophobia
i definitely wont tell anyone it's okay. i suck at keeping MY secrets but i'd never spill yours.
it's not like i want people knowin that stuff about me either so i get it. trust me. boy do i get it.
(Even though Eddie was open about having feelings for someone that was mostly because he had literally almost died from keeping those feelings so tightly-closed. He still had the scars next to his eye that reminded him daily that Deerington might spin another monstrous event that'll force him into a violent truth.
Crushes were complicated enough as is. Throw in spooky violent shit and it just got worse.)
me too. i tried hard for a while not to but then just wound up hating myself a lot more than usual. it was really tiring.
fuck . yeah. thats... wow okay yeah thats actually the scariest fucking part of crushes. what the entire world expects of you after. what they're gonna think, what they're gonna do. how is everyone gonna look at you, how's he gonna look at you. if anythings gonna change.
yeah. i (His fingers hover for a second. It's not something Eddie liked to think about. It gave him nightmares to this day perhaps worse than anything else he's experienced- even the stuff in Deerington. It's not something he's told many people at all. Chloe.
Just Chloe, he thinks. It makes his stomach curdle with shame every time he thinks about it and the only reason he winds up texting what he does next is because this is Bev. Of all the Losers? She'd get him.
She wouldn't...
She wouldn't think he deserved it or was hoping for it just because he was...different. She wouldn't be that person to think "oh well that's just how all faggots are. You're always wanting to suck each other off - aren't you happy a guy even offered?"
He'd heard about how when gay boys went missing in Derry how people would laugh a little, suggest that they probably just got it good at Bassey Park. Who would miss a queer? Probably got taken by another sicko, after all. Eddie forgets that he hadn't typed out his response and has to shake himself out of his thoughts. He realizes then that he wants to tell Bev. He wants her to know that yeah, he gets it.)
I understand what you mean. an older guy offers you something that everyone else tells you you should be lucky to have or want or that you should feel ashamed about and then it suddenly makes everything so fucking complicated because you know that you didn't want that at all. but then suddenly you dont know how to think about the stuff you do want and are you a bad person for wanting that stuff? was everyone just right about you after all?
it's. hard to split that up
i get it. i wish i didnt but i do.
i get that too. it's shame. it's all i ever feel sometimes is shame. shame about how i think or how i feel and like i should feel guilty about it every step of the way.
you're right. I know you are cause this whole conversation has me thinking about how i cant tell other people some of this stuff. how they wouldnt get it but you get it. you fucking understand better than anyone else. everyones so convinced love can only ever be a good thing. they dont know it like we do.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
[It's not something Beverly expected to hear from Eddie. Hell, it's not something she ever expected to hear from anyone else, ever. It's the type of thing that has always made her feel set apart from everyone at school or anywhere. It's the type of thing people don't talk about, normalized like the bruises she wears every day.
But he says it, Eddie says it and it feels like someone's finally explaining something she's thought only she understood her whole life. She doesn't realize how hard she's gritting her teeth as she types back, not until her jaw starts to hurt.]
You're right. That's exactly right it's like you can't split it apart from that and Because you say it's okay from one person then what stops people from thinking it's okay from them too??? It's different when it's just rumors and bullshit It's different when someone has "proof" even if you would wanna punch anyone who said that was proof you wanted everything else
I feel the same way Eddie that's it exactly. It's that and I tihink. I think there's a part of me thatsometimes forgets how love can be anything other than something that hurts you. Even if I don't know if I'm "in love" with anyone like that but
I think maybe I say I love you guys so much cause I'm trying to remind myself that it can be okay to feel like that and it doesn't mean we have to hurt each other
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
Thank you. I hate keeping secrets but some secrets are necessary to keep for a while or at least til we can figure them out.
(That's how he rationalized it in his own head anyway. He hated the idea of lying to any of his friends, but avoiding talking about the truth wasn't quite the same thing. It was the distant cousin to lying or something.
He doesn't realize how badly he's wanted to talk to someone about all of this before, how badly he ached to just be understood when it came to all of those most shameful things he's ever felt. His face is a little wet, but he doesn't bother wiping back his tears. It felt cathartic.)
Exactly. and it's scary because you wanting something from one person makes people think you want EVERYTHING or all the wrong things or that you want things you don't even understand but people assume you do god people's definition of "proof" is always fucked up. they'll use ANYTHING against you too. it's "proof" you wanted something from someone because of the clothes you were wearing or how you smiled
(Shit. Eddie's never even thought about it but it was true, it was so true. Bowers and those fuckers always used how he dressed as "proof" for what he was really like. But the worst part...)
the worst part is when their "proof" is technically right and you feel fucking horrible about it because were they right about you being disgusting??? about you being some certain way??? even though you know that you're not...the exact way they think you are. that they assume all the wrong stuff but there's still still that VEIN of truth and it eats you alive.
no one teaches you how to separate that.
God. Yeah. I always think "I have no idea how to be loved" by family or by someone in a romantic way. and just because IM in love doesn't mean I can even wrap my mind around what it would be like if maybe fuck it's funny i cant even type it out? i cant even let myself type it out because im so scared of the idea of being loved ..but the person i love is the only person i would ever trust TO love me in that way. i just it's so fucking complicated for so many reasons. & people always want to tell you stuff like oh romance is simple just tell people how you feel!! just talk about it! but those are the people who just dont get it. romance is scary, and i dont blame you for being as confused and uncertain as you are. i know i sound like i know my shit, but truthfully i just know how I FEEL but beyond that i dont know anything worth knowing.
I think that makes plenty of sense Bev. I say it too for those kinds of reasons. Let myself remember that theres at least six people i know in this universe that love me selflessly and love me without hurting me or wanting to hurt me. six people. that's amazing. i love you all so much and sometimes it's scary. but i dont think id ever change that. i think it's worth saying that we love each other all of the time. i think we all i think we all deserve to hear it and let ourselves be loved by each other. i think we all need that in our own ways. we're all so good at feeling hated by everyone in derry. i try to tell you guys i love you all the time too. well ok i dont like to tell richie as much but thats different
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
Yeah. At least we can tell each other and help figure any of it out
Yeah. That's Yeah. When I cut my hair I was really really mad and I wanted to do just about anything to get people to stop looking at me like that or I just get so mad sometimes but it didn't change anything
It didn't change shit it was all the SAME. Either I'm being too girly or too boyish either way I think people can just tell I'm wrong Like it's easy for them to look at me and touch my hair cause they can see it right away? I could tear all my skin off and it STILL wouldn't change anything probably
I'm glad you have someone like that though Eddie you deserve taht. Someone to love you that you can love like that too even if it's scary. I think the thing that scares me the most about it is that I don't tihnk I can ever trust anyone not to change even if it's okay now? Because sometimes people just become something and you don't expect it and by then it's too late
And at the same time I hate myself for doubting either of them and just deciding that for them.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
that works just fine. if theres anything youre ever lost on or just want to talk about im literally right down the hall or a call away.
god. people always want to tell people like us that we're not doing things the exactly right way. im always too girly or too small or too fragile or too weak. and it is like that. it's like you could blow up your body or switch places with someone else and all they'd ever see is the same old you and whatever they think is so rotten about you.
for the record i think your hair is perfect. it's not girly or boyish. it's just you. it's beverly. & that's precisely what it should be and that's that's really good beverly. i think it's even better you did it to defy those fuckers who wanna boss around your image.
You deserve it too Beverly. You really do.
I dont really blame you?? the thing is like. im a weird case and i KNOW i am. ive had the same feelings that have only gotten more and more intense since i was like SEVEN so i have the luck of loving someone and KNOWING that they wont change. at least not in the way thats going to hurt me. i have stupid faith in him because it's all ive ever known.
but i realize thats not something a lot of people can say and honestly if our places were swapped, you nnd me, i think i'd feel exactly how you do i wouldnt KNOW how to trust anyone enough ofr that. i dont KNOW if id be capable of it. thats why our memories vanishing scares me so much cause i forget all about that. all about those feelings and whats good for me and i forget about all of you. we all forget each other. we forget what it's like to really love someone and trust someone. so i dont get it from personal experience i dont think. but i get it from that at least.
it's okay bev to doubt people. even if they are your friends. i mean. you dont know either of them SUPER well so youre just being safe. and as long as you're not trying to control their thooughts or opinions i dont think your necessarily deciding anything for them. sometimes we cant help how we think about other people
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
private text p much directly after marriage thread
but i dont know why boys are AS fucking dumb as they are
no subject
Sometimes it's funny in a cute way instead of an annoying way.
no subject
ugh dont remind me. that practically makes it WORSE.
(That moment when Eddie doesn't even realize he's being quite so blunt. Problem here is that he felt very safe with Bev and a bit like she understood him- and it didn't really help that his memories sometimes blurred. He'd told Bev before- and so some part of him forgets that this wasn't quite that Bev.
Oops.)
no subject
But after a second of trying to justify a different meaning, it's pretty clear there isn't one. Not one that makes sense.
But saying anything about it outright? That feels, to a girl born and raised in Derry, like a terrible insult.]
Richie got pretty upset about all that too. Is he okay?
no subject
But it was pretty amazing how much someone could get out of him just by virtue of using the right words. It was the inherently naive part of him that wound up making him vulnerable to that kind of thing. Something his momma had always taken advantage of.
But not everyone did. There were ways of using it for the better of a situation.
Eddie thinks nothing of when Richie is brought up. Doesn't coil up in defense. Just kind of sighs.)
i think so. i wasnt expecting of all people for HIM to get upset. and then i think THAT upset him
but we talked about it.
i still dont honestly know why he was so bothered but i guess sometimes you dont need to know WHY someone was hurt just to know that they ARE hurt.
still kind of feel like an asshole about it though.
he seems better at least.
no subject
I guess I still don't get it really. I don't know why he'd want to get married.
no subject
but he also never gets upset like that so maybe i was?
i dont either. it's not like marriage could do anything for him.
i guess he likes the idea of the like. commitment. i tried telling him you can still have that without marriage shit
no subject
I think more people think it's about love than it really is. If he was thinking about it that way then I could see why he'd be mad.
If it were really about love and commitment though all 7 of us would be married.
no subject
lol someone said "you just have to find the right person and you'll change your mind" like what
i mean we practically are lets be honest.
but im pretty sure most people associate marriage with like you know
romantic love. and that kind of romantic commitment. being committed to your friends is natural and easy and we dont need some sort of testimony for that
but i guess romance is
different
people want to be able to i guess represent their romantic commitment
or whatever
but i still think that can be done without marraige.
no subject
I guess it's hard for me to even imagine being committed to someone like that.
I don't even get how it's supposed to be different. I kinda do but not really.
Like you do different things when you're in love with a boy or he's in love with you but
what decides it's so different?
People say girls and boys can't be friends all the time but I'm friends with all of you.
wow ok this got fucking long and sappy lmafao
Because he would try for Beverly. For a Loser.)
Your heart decides it's different. sorry I know that's really cheesy and Im not trying to say oh you know when you know! like im not gonna be able to tell you what it's like when you fall in love because i honestly dont remember that part. it's just always been how it is.
you categorize them differently in your head.
like i mean whenever you go to describe your friends and you get to them your brain comes up short because the word "friend" doesn't really work out how you want it to
you feel like you're underselling what you're describing and you don't want people to misintrepret how much you care
and i wont lie
love is different for everyone so i wont sit here and tell you you should look at what im saying as an exact word-for-word ideal as to how YOU might feel love
but i am saying that it might help you understand
you dont stop being someones friend because youre in love with them and thats where it's easy to get lost because in your head they're always the friend first but then the person you love and then you get to the realization that like
that's the whole package. you can be in love with all those things at once. be in love with them being your friend and then be in love with them being something more and then just being in love with THEM and everything they do
and it's easy
it's actually realy easy to feel that commitment when you do. like i dont know. it's a selfless feeling. like with friends oyu're always gonna want to be friends FOREVER
but with the person you love
as long as they're in your life it's enough
it's almost? somehow more selfless because you wind up not caring so much about BEING with them
i mean you do but
it wont kill you if youre not if it still means they can be happy and you can see them being happy
and i guess. you always get stuck on how they make you feel. you get stuck on random memories with them and start thinking about how they look at you or how they touched your hand one time or how they always seem to want to make you laugh more than other people. stuff like that.
and you realize you're not really so worried about OTHER people and how THEY look at you
at least not in the same way.
and that doesnt necessarily mean you're in love- hyper focusing on shit like that but it can mean you're seeing some sort of shape thats similar to love. crushes i guess.
i dont know shit about crushes tho lol
(...........Despite what Eddie just said. He also doesn't really consider his feeling as a "crush" though. That word felt...underwhelming somehow.)
people are fucking idiots. that's because people think that girls and boys are always falling in love with each other or wanting to fuck when they dont realize that a lot of girls and boys just know how to love the parts of each other that have NOTHING to do with any of that stuff
people get so good at convincing themselves of how relationships are supposed to work
dont let people tell you you cant love us
or make you feel ashamed for loving us
because you can. and you dont need to be told it MUST mean theres some part of you that wants all of us or
that we want you in that way
because thats rEaly fucked up
it's also like super fucking invalidating to each of us and our own feelings
people hate platonic love because a lot of people dont HAVE it so they want to break the platonic love they DO see
it's fucked
yeah like my wang
Sometimes I think maybe I do and I don't really know if it's real or what
I didn't have anything like platonic love for a long time either. This is probably shitty but I mostly feel glad for everything that happened this summer.
Or however many summers ago it was.
Like if it brought us all together and
changed some things
I don't know. Sorry.
You're saying there's someone you feel that kind of love about though. Right?
clutches fist
or if you've only felt it a little
i think that's pretty normal.
no it's not shitty either. i'm really glad everything happened this summer too. you're all the best friends ive ever made in my life.
it's fucked but i wouldnt change any of it
dont apologize. not to me at least. i understand. trust me. my life got better for that summer too
even if a lot of it was fucking awful.
what
no
(Eddie. Is literal garbage at lying.)
i mean ya
but like
no for public record
no subject
I don't know if it was the same for you guys in the 50s but
Richie doesn't even know either cause he doesn't remember how everything ended
But I got kissed by two different boys and both times it was like
I really liked it but
I don't know it just made things more confusing. Not even just cause it was two different guys but whenever I think about it I feel like I can't tell anyone. Like it feels bad even if when it happened it didn't.
I don't know if that makes sense. I feel gross you know? And that doesn't even have to do with the boys but just me.
I was kinda serious about us getting married though. I don't want to kiss you or anything like that but that makes it better probably.
no subject
oh wow.
(Eddie had never met a Bill from the 80s and Bev before hadn't told him about this. So he 1) definitely didn't know and 2) didn't even know which boys kissed her. He could make a wild stab in the dark given how fucking obvious Ben was, but did Ben really get the nerve up to kiss Bev? Jeez-louise didn't that just make Eddie an even bigger pussy? But he's assuming here.)
you dont gotta answer but
did i
know these two boys by any chance
no i actually understand completely. i always feel gross about my feelings too when it comes to that stuff. like i'm innately bad or something for having them.
but i dont think you're gross
i think
maybe
society just kind of wants you to feel gross about that kind of thing
because if you really did like it then i dont know i think thats saying something right?
i wont lie i was kind of serious too. i dont think we wanna kiss each other at all and i think thats precisely why it'd be nice to be married to you.
neither of us would have to be stuck feeling pressured by our spouse to
be something we just really arent or to do things we dont want to do
it's a pretty sweet deal in my eyes.
neither of us would have to worry about weird feelings or being confused. i dont know. if boys and girls gotta get married i'd gladly rather be hitched to you
no subject
Actually I'm pretty sure you know everyone I know.
I guess. I don't care what everyone says though cause I know they'll say it no matter what I do
Like they already were for forever so what does it matter now
I'm not sure if it's that or if it's just like
I don't know. I guess I also sorta feel gross no matter what so it's not that different anyway so I guess I'm just being stupid
You're like the only boy I feel totally safe around I think
no subject
but i think i can narrow it down yeah lol. i cant believe ben got the balls to kiss you i kind of am impressed i wont lie to you
(The Ben he knew shook and trembled if Bev so much looked his way. Eddie was oddly proud of the guy. Granted he didn't realize that it had taken the dead lights seizing Bev to get him in motion, but well.
Weirdly enough what she says makes him smile just a tiny bit. He knows they're not talking about something pleasant here, but he'd been so long without Losers that he forgot how...much Losers always just got it.)
you know what? that's exactly how i feel about it sometimes too. it's like at some point you might as well just start living for yourself
thats what being a Loser is all about isnt it?
we're always gonna be pissed on by people no matter what we do
in some ways that sucks but i think in a lot of ways it gives us power too
cant really fuck up if the world already sees you as a fuck up
you're not being stupid beverly.
this shit is really confusing sometimes
i mean. what exactly about it makes you feel gross??
Really? (No, actually, you know what? Eddie's not as surprised about that as he thought he would be. It reminds him of the conversation he'd had with Chloe and what she had said about why it was easier for girls to be around him.)
im glad you feel safe around me bev. you deserve to feel safe around at least one guy.
i feel safe around you too. i know thats kind of weird for a guy to say about a girl but
i mean it. i never feel like you're trying to make me feel small or force me into something thats not me. i dont feel choked by your love
cw mentions of sexual harassment..........
DON'T tell anyone. Seriously.
[It's not that she is ashamed of Ben in specific at all. She kind of likes him, she thinks, maybe even has a crush on him? Maybe???
But also. Everything else. What is a crush anyway.]
Yeah exactly. I guess I already sorta gave up a while ago.
I dunno though. I try not to think about it
I think it's like. Okay I'm fine with the kiss (pretending it was just one boy now) and I kinda like him but
What does he expect now, what does the whole world expect now
And it gets hard to separate it from times when guys try to do stuff that i DON'T like or want? Even if it wasn't like that?
So it feels gross like that but also gross like when you remember something stupid or embarrassing you did once suddenly and you just hate yourself so much until you can get yourself to forget again
Maybe it's cause we both get each other that way. We both know what that's like I think.
When love feels horrible and scary.
cw mentions of sexual harassment....... and now homophobia
it's not like i want people knowin that stuff about me either so i get it. trust me. boy do i get it.
(Even though Eddie was open about having feelings for someone that was mostly because he had literally almost died from keeping those feelings so tightly-closed. He still had the scars next to his eye that reminded him daily that Deerington might spin another monstrous event that'll force him into a violent truth.
Crushes were complicated enough as is. Throw in spooky violent shit and it just got worse.)
me too. i tried hard for a while not to but then just wound up hating myself a lot more than usual. it was really tiring.
fuck . yeah. thats...
wow okay yeah thats actually the scariest fucking part of crushes. what the entire world expects of you after. what they're gonna think, what they're gonna do. how is everyone gonna look at you, how's he gonna look at you. if anythings gonna change.
yeah. i (His fingers hover for a second. It's not something Eddie liked to think about. It gave him nightmares to this day perhaps worse than anything else he's experienced- even the stuff in Deerington. It's not something he's told many people at all. Chloe.
Just Chloe, he thinks. It makes his stomach curdle with shame every time he thinks about it and the only reason he winds up texting what he does next is because this is Bev. Of all the Losers? She'd get him.
She wouldn't...
She wouldn't think he deserved it or was hoping for it just because he was...different. She wouldn't be that person to think "oh well that's just how all faggots are. You're always wanting to suck each other off - aren't you happy a guy even offered?"
He'd heard about how when gay boys went missing in Derry how people would laugh a little, suggest that they probably just got it good at Bassey Park. Who would miss a queer? Probably got taken by another sicko, after all. Eddie forgets that he hadn't typed out his response and has to shake himself out of his thoughts. He realizes then that he wants to tell Bev. He wants her to know that yeah, he gets it.)
I understand what you mean. an older guy offers you something that everyone else tells you you should be lucky to have or want or that you should feel ashamed about and then it suddenly makes everything so fucking complicated because you know that you didn't want that at all.
but then suddenly you dont know how to think about the stuff you do want
and are you a bad person for wanting that stuff? was everyone just right about you after all?
it's.
hard to split that up
i get it. i wish i didnt but i do.
i get that too. it's shame. it's all i ever feel sometimes is shame. shame about how i think or how i feel and like i should feel guilty about it every step of the way.
you're right. I know you are cause this whole conversation has me thinking about how i cant tell other people some of this stuff. how they wouldnt get it
but you get it. you fucking understand better than anyone else.
everyones so convinced love can only ever be a good thing. they dont know it like we do.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
[It's not something Beverly expected to hear from Eddie. Hell, it's not something she ever expected to hear from anyone else, ever. It's the type of thing that has always made her feel set apart from everyone at school or anywhere. It's the type of thing people don't talk about, normalized like the bruises she wears every day.
But he says it, Eddie says it and it feels like someone's finally explaining something she's thought only she understood her whole life. She doesn't realize how hard she's gritting her teeth as she types back, not until her jaw starts to hurt.]
You're right. That's exactly right it's like you can't split it apart from that and
Because you say it's okay from one person then what stops people from thinking it's okay from them too??? It's different when it's just rumors and bullshit
It's different when someone has "proof" even if you would wanna punch anyone who said that was proof you wanted everything else
I feel the same way Eddie that's it exactly. It's that and I tihink.
I think there's a part of me thatsometimes forgets how love can be anything other than something that hurts you.
Even if I don't know if I'm "in love" with anyone like that but
I think maybe I say I love you guys so much cause I'm trying to remind myself that it can be okay to feel like that and it doesn't mean we have to hurt each other
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
(That's how he rationalized it in his own head anyway. He hated the idea of lying to any of his friends, but avoiding talking about the truth wasn't quite the same thing. It was the distant cousin to lying or something.
He doesn't realize how badly he's wanted to talk to someone about all of this before, how badly he ached to just be understood when it came to all of those most shameful things he's ever felt. His face is a little wet, but he doesn't bother wiping back his tears. It felt cathartic.)
Exactly. and it's scary because you wanting something from one person makes people think you want EVERYTHING or all the wrong things or that you want things you don't even understand but people assume you do
god
people's definition of "proof" is always fucked up. they'll use ANYTHING against you too. it's "proof" you wanted something from someone because of the clothes you were wearing or how you smiled
(Shit. Eddie's never even thought about it but it was true, it was so true. Bowers and those fuckers always used how he dressed as "proof" for what he was really like. But the worst part...)
the worst part is when their "proof" is technically right and you feel fucking horrible about it
because were they right about you being disgusting??? about you being some certain way???
even though you know that you're not...the exact way they think you are. that they assume all the wrong stuff but there's still
still that VEIN of truth
and it eats you alive.
no one teaches you how to separate that.
God. Yeah. I always think "I have no idea how to be loved" by family or by someone in a romantic way. and just because IM in love doesn't mean I can even wrap my mind around what it would be like if maybe
fuck
it's funny
i cant even type it out? i cant even let myself type it out because im so scared of the idea of being loved ..but the person i love is the only person i would ever trust TO love me in that way.
i just
it's so fucking complicated for so many reasons. & people always want to tell you stuff like oh romance is simple just tell people how you feel!! just talk about it! but those are the people who just dont get it. romance is scary, and i dont blame you for being as confused and uncertain as you are. i know i sound like i know my shit, but truthfully i just know how I FEEL but beyond that i dont know anything worth knowing.
I think that makes plenty of sense Bev. I say it too for those kinds of reasons. Let myself remember that theres at least six people i know in this universe that love me selflessly and love me without hurting me or wanting to hurt me. six people. that's amazing. i love you all so much and sometimes it's scary. but i dont think id ever change that. i think it's worth saying that we love each other all of the time. i think we all
i think we all deserve to hear it and let ourselves be loved by each other. i think we all need that in our own ways.
we're all so good at feeling hated by everyone in derry. i try to tell you guys i love you all the time too.
well
ok i dont like to tell richie as much but thats different
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
At least we can tell each other and help figure any of it out
Yeah. That's
Yeah. When I cut my hair I was really really mad and I wanted to do just about anything to get people to stop looking at me like that or
I just get so mad sometimes but it didn't change anything
It didn't change shit it was all the SAME. Either I'm being too girly or too boyish either way I think people can just tell I'm wrong
Like it's easy for them to look at me and touch my hair cause they can see it right away?
I could tear all my skin off and it STILL wouldn't change anything probably
I'm glad you have someone like that though Eddie you deserve taht. Someone to love you that you can love like that too even if it's scary.
I think the thing that scares me the most about it is that I don't tihnk I can ever trust anyone not to change even if it's okay now? Because sometimes people just become something and you don't expect it and by then it's too late
And at the same time I hate myself for doubting either of them and just deciding that for them.
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
god. people always want to tell people like us that we're not doing things the exactly right way. im always too girly or too small or too fragile or too weak. and it is like that. it's like you could blow up your body or switch places with someone else and all they'd ever see is the same old you and whatever they think is so rotten about you.
for the record i think your hair is perfect. it's not girly or boyish. it's just you. it's beverly. & that's precisely what it should be and that's
that's really good beverly.
i think it's even better you did it to defy those fuckers who wanna boss around your image.
You deserve it too Beverly. You really do.
I dont really blame you?? the thing is like.
im a weird case and i KNOW i am. ive had the same feelings that have only gotten more and more intense since i was like SEVEN so i have the luck of loving someone and KNOWING that they wont change. at least not in the way thats going to hurt me. i have stupid faith in him because it's all ive ever known.
but i realize thats not something a lot of people can say and honestly if our places were swapped, you nnd me, i think i'd feel exactly how you do
i wouldnt KNOW how to trust anyone enough ofr that. i dont KNOW if id be capable of it. thats why our memories vanishing scares me so much
cause i forget all about that. all about those feelings and whats good for me and i forget about all of you.
we all forget each other.
we forget what it's like to really love someone and trust someone. so i dont get it from personal experience i dont think. but i get it from that at least.
it's okay bev to doubt people. even if they are your friends. i mean. you dont know either of them SUPER well so youre just being safe. and as long as you're not trying to control their thooughts or opinions i dont think your necessarily deciding anything for them.
sometimes we cant help how we think about other people