i definitely wont tell anyone it's okay. i suck at keeping MY secrets but i'd never spill yours.
it's not like i want people knowin that stuff about me either so i get it. trust me. boy do i get it.
(Even though Eddie was open about having feelings for someone that was mostly because he had literally almost died from keeping those feelings so tightly-closed. He still had the scars next to his eye that reminded him daily that Deerington might spin another monstrous event that'll force him into a violent truth.
Crushes were complicated enough as is. Throw in spooky violent shit and it just got worse.)
me too. i tried hard for a while not to but then just wound up hating myself a lot more than usual. it was really tiring.
fuck . yeah. thats... wow okay yeah thats actually the scariest fucking part of crushes. what the entire world expects of you after. what they're gonna think, what they're gonna do. how is everyone gonna look at you, how's he gonna look at you. if anythings gonna change.
yeah. i (His fingers hover for a second. It's not something Eddie liked to think about. It gave him nightmares to this day perhaps worse than anything else he's experienced- even the stuff in Deerington. It's not something he's told many people at all. Chloe.
Just Chloe, he thinks. It makes his stomach curdle with shame every time he thinks about it and the only reason he winds up texting what he does next is because this is Bev. Of all the Losers? She'd get him.
She wouldn't...
She wouldn't think he deserved it or was hoping for it just because he was...different. She wouldn't be that person to think "oh well that's just how all faggots are. You're always wanting to suck each other off - aren't you happy a guy even offered?"
He'd heard about how when gay boys went missing in Derry how people would laugh a little, suggest that they probably just got it good at Bassey Park. Who would miss a queer? Probably got taken by another sicko, after all. Eddie forgets that he hadn't typed out his response and has to shake himself out of his thoughts. He realizes then that he wants to tell Bev. He wants her to know that yeah, he gets it.)
I understand what you mean. an older guy offers you something that everyone else tells you you should be lucky to have or want or that you should feel ashamed about and then it suddenly makes everything so fucking complicated because you know that you didn't want that at all. but then suddenly you dont know how to think about the stuff you do want and are you a bad person for wanting that stuff? was everyone just right about you after all?
it's. hard to split that up
i get it. i wish i didnt but i do.
i get that too. it's shame. it's all i ever feel sometimes is shame. shame about how i think or how i feel and like i should feel guilty about it every step of the way.
you're right. I know you are cause this whole conversation has me thinking about how i cant tell other people some of this stuff. how they wouldnt get it but you get it. you fucking understand better than anyone else. everyones so convinced love can only ever be a good thing. they dont know it like we do.
cw mentions of sexual harassment....... and now homophobia
it's not like i want people knowin that stuff about me either so i get it. trust me. boy do i get it.
(Even though Eddie was open about having feelings for someone that was mostly because he had literally almost died from keeping those feelings so tightly-closed. He still had the scars next to his eye that reminded him daily that Deerington might spin another monstrous event that'll force him into a violent truth.
Crushes were complicated enough as is. Throw in spooky violent shit and it just got worse.)
me too. i tried hard for a while not to but then just wound up hating myself a lot more than usual. it was really tiring.
fuck . yeah. thats...
wow okay yeah thats actually the scariest fucking part of crushes. what the entire world expects of you after. what they're gonna think, what they're gonna do. how is everyone gonna look at you, how's he gonna look at you. if anythings gonna change.
yeah. i (His fingers hover for a second. It's not something Eddie liked to think about. It gave him nightmares to this day perhaps worse than anything else he's experienced- even the stuff in Deerington. It's not something he's told many people at all. Chloe.
Just Chloe, he thinks. It makes his stomach curdle with shame every time he thinks about it and the only reason he winds up texting what he does next is because this is Bev. Of all the Losers? She'd get him.
She wouldn't...
She wouldn't think he deserved it or was hoping for it just because he was...different. She wouldn't be that person to think "oh well that's just how all faggots are. You're always wanting to suck each other off - aren't you happy a guy even offered?"
He'd heard about how when gay boys went missing in Derry how people would laugh a little, suggest that they probably just got it good at Bassey Park. Who would miss a queer? Probably got taken by another sicko, after all. Eddie forgets that he hadn't typed out his response and has to shake himself out of his thoughts. He realizes then that he wants to tell Bev. He wants her to know that yeah, he gets it.)
I understand what you mean. an older guy offers you something that everyone else tells you you should be lucky to have or want or that you should feel ashamed about and then it suddenly makes everything so fucking complicated because you know that you didn't want that at all.
but then suddenly you dont know how to think about the stuff you do want
and are you a bad person for wanting that stuff? was everyone just right about you after all?
it's.
hard to split that up
i get it. i wish i didnt but i do.
i get that too. it's shame. it's all i ever feel sometimes is shame. shame about how i think or how i feel and like i should feel guilty about it every step of the way.
you're right. I know you are cause this whole conversation has me thinking about how i cant tell other people some of this stuff. how they wouldnt get it
but you get it. you fucking understand better than anyone else.
everyones so convinced love can only ever be a good thing. they dont know it like we do.