Thank you. I hate keeping secrets but some secrets are necessary to keep for a while or at least til we can figure them out.
(That's how he rationalized it in his own head anyway. He hated the idea of lying to any of his friends, but avoiding talking about the truth wasn't quite the same thing. It was the distant cousin to lying or something.
He doesn't realize how badly he's wanted to talk to someone about all of this before, how badly he ached to just be understood when it came to all of those most shameful things he's ever felt. His face is a little wet, but he doesn't bother wiping back his tears. It felt cathartic.)
Exactly. and it's scary because you wanting something from one person makes people think you want EVERYTHING or all the wrong things or that you want things you don't even understand but people assume you do god people's definition of "proof" is always fucked up. they'll use ANYTHING against you too. it's "proof" you wanted something from someone because of the clothes you were wearing or how you smiled
(Shit. Eddie's never even thought about it but it was true, it was so true. Bowers and those fuckers always used how he dressed as "proof" for what he was really like. But the worst part...)
the worst part is when their "proof" is technically right and you feel fucking horrible about it because were they right about you being disgusting??? about you being some certain way??? even though you know that you're not...the exact way they think you are. that they assume all the wrong stuff but there's still still that VEIN of truth and it eats you alive.
no one teaches you how to separate that.
God. Yeah. I always think "I have no idea how to be loved" by family or by someone in a romantic way. and just because IM in love doesn't mean I can even wrap my mind around what it would be like if maybe fuck it's funny i cant even type it out? i cant even let myself type it out because im so scared of the idea of being loved ..but the person i love is the only person i would ever trust TO love me in that way. i just it's so fucking complicated for so many reasons. & people always want to tell you stuff like oh romance is simple just tell people how you feel!! just talk about it! but those are the people who just dont get it. romance is scary, and i dont blame you for being as confused and uncertain as you are. i know i sound like i know my shit, but truthfully i just know how I FEEL but beyond that i dont know anything worth knowing.
I think that makes plenty of sense Bev. I say it too for those kinds of reasons. Let myself remember that theres at least six people i know in this universe that love me selflessly and love me without hurting me or wanting to hurt me. six people. that's amazing. i love you all so much and sometimes it's scary. but i dont think id ever change that. i think it's worth saying that we love each other all of the time. i think we all i think we all deserve to hear it and let ourselves be loved by each other. i think we all need that in our own ways. we're all so good at feeling hated by everyone in derry. i try to tell you guys i love you all the time too. well ok i dont like to tell richie as much but thats different
CW: HM, YEAH, HM, ITS BAD HERE (csa and sexual harassment and its stephen king)
(That's how he rationalized it in his own head anyway. He hated the idea of lying to any of his friends, but avoiding talking about the truth wasn't quite the same thing. It was the distant cousin to lying or something.
He doesn't realize how badly he's wanted to talk to someone about all of this before, how badly he ached to just be understood when it came to all of those most shameful things he's ever felt. His face is a little wet, but he doesn't bother wiping back his tears. It felt cathartic.)
Exactly. and it's scary because you wanting something from one person makes people think you want EVERYTHING or all the wrong things or that you want things you don't even understand but people assume you do
god
people's definition of "proof" is always fucked up. they'll use ANYTHING against you too. it's "proof" you wanted something from someone because of the clothes you were wearing or how you smiled
(Shit. Eddie's never even thought about it but it was true, it was so true. Bowers and those fuckers always used how he dressed as "proof" for what he was really like. But the worst part...)
the worst part is when their "proof" is technically right and you feel fucking horrible about it
because were they right about you being disgusting??? about you being some certain way???
even though you know that you're not...the exact way they think you are. that they assume all the wrong stuff but there's still
still that VEIN of truth
and it eats you alive.
no one teaches you how to separate that.
God. Yeah. I always think "I have no idea how to be loved" by family or by someone in a romantic way. and just because IM in love doesn't mean I can even wrap my mind around what it would be like if maybe
fuck
it's funny
i cant even type it out? i cant even let myself type it out because im so scared of the idea of being loved ..but the person i love is the only person i would ever trust TO love me in that way.
i just
it's so fucking complicated for so many reasons. & people always want to tell you stuff like oh romance is simple just tell people how you feel!! just talk about it! but those are the people who just dont get it. romance is scary, and i dont blame you for being as confused and uncertain as you are. i know i sound like i know my shit, but truthfully i just know how I FEEL but beyond that i dont know anything worth knowing.
I think that makes plenty of sense Bev. I say it too for those kinds of reasons. Let myself remember that theres at least six people i know in this universe that love me selflessly and love me without hurting me or wanting to hurt me. six people. that's amazing. i love you all so much and sometimes it's scary. but i dont think id ever change that. i think it's worth saying that we love each other all of the time. i think we all
i think we all deserve to hear it and let ourselves be loved by each other. i think we all need that in our own ways.
we're all so good at feeling hated by everyone in derry. i try to tell you guys i love you all the time too.
well
ok i dont like to tell richie as much but thats different